I really dislike entering information in these “About You” boxes….but here goes ~
I’m mom to two amazing adult children. I’m a reader, a writer, a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend. I’m single. For more than two decades I was married to a man who loved other men’s wives.
For many years I lived in a house in the woods…a house I loved. And I was treated as if I had no right to be there….These days I live in a very small duplex…and I’m happy. No longer do I worry about where my husband is, who he is with, what he is doing with whomever it is he is with. I no longer receive heartbreaking phone calls from husbands I’ve never met. There is wonderful, delicious freedom in answering my phone without a knot of dread forming in my stomach…because I no longer have to fear getting another call from yet another woman informing me of her”love affair” with my husband.
I’ve recently finished writing my first book. Letters From a Whoremongers’ Wife, is very strongly based on my marriage to a Whoremonger. I am in the process of sending queries to agents and publishers. Keeping fingers crossed….
Are you married to a Whoremonger? Have you ever been married to a Whoremonger? I would love to hear from you.
Sincerely,
D
D
Letters 
Found your blog via Pinterest. I was married to an adulterer. I found out when I got a message via facebook that he was screwing another man’s wife. Nice, right. I never was so physically ill until that day. When your heart is broken it actually hurts. My marriage continued for 2 more years and now I am in the midst of a divorce. I was loyal wife, like you took care of the home, the children and worked full time. My children are young and don’t know of there father’s infidelities. He now pretends he is the father of the year, acting as if he wants to be a part of there life but doesn’t even offer me a dollar to support them. He now has a girlfriend 14 years younger then him, actually the same age I was when I married him. Guess he wouldn’t be able to fool a women a same age as him. But I believe a zebra can not change there strips and he will not either. My girls will learn what type of man he is. I am slowly moving on and finding a new happiness in my life. I focus on my children much as you do with your children. Thank you for your blog. I to thought of writing a blog about divorce. You and your children sound like amazing people. Good luck with your continuous strive for happiness!
Denise,
I’m so sorry to hear of all you’re going through and everything you have been already through. You hit the nail on the head as they say…a broken heart is a physical pain…undescribable to anyone who has never had one. I pray for complete healing of your broken heart. Healing will happen but unfortunately it takes time… we can’t speed up the process, even though that’s what we would like. I remember feeling like I had lost my direction in life, uncertain of what to do next. So I did all I could do….I woke up each day and did the best I could. Somedays my best was nothing more than getting out of my pajamas. No one knows how it feels to be you but you; no one knows all that you’re going through but you, but I assure you, before long, this mess will be behind you. You’ll get up one morning and go about about your business….around mid-day you’ll realize, “Wait a minute! I haven’t cried today”…or, “I haven’t thought about that jerk at all today!” It gets harder before it gets easier, but it will get better.
Your girls will indeed one day understand what their dad has done to their family, even without words against him from you, they’ll know. Because as you mentioned, a Zebra doesn’t change his stripes. Nor does a Python lose his desire to squeeze the life out of anyone who gets too close. Your girls will be strong like you. Right now they don’t understand everything you’re going through, but they will watch you and learn from you and one day they’ll be your biggest supporters, your best allies.
So wake up everyday and Believe in Yourself. Hold your head up high….others, especially your girls, will be inspired by your example. Soon the dark skies will be blue again….I promise.
Thank you so much for reading and responding to my blog. Come back anytime.
Sincerely,
Danita
I, too, was married to a whoremonger. 23 years of marriage, 7 before that of dating. We had three beautiful daughters together and I was convinced I was doing the “right thing” by staying in the marriage, despite the damage he did almost without thought. Finding out he had joined EHarmony while we were still living as married (and while he was demanding intimacy every other night) was the final straw.
When I checked into EHarmony months after we separated, I found that you cannot join if you’re “separated”–so I asked him, point-blank, “How did YOU join?” He said “Janet (an earlier one of his whores) told me in advance to say I was married or they wouldn’t accept me.” Lies. More lies.
Leaving him was the most terrifying thing I’d ever done. I’d never been alone–he was the first person I’d ever really dated. Yet my daughters and I left, and we’ve been out for 3 1/2 years now. We’re healing…we are no longer afraid at night (what will he be angry about tonight??) and we are learning to define ourselves without having to consider an abusive man’s opinions on the matters.
He was living with one of his EHarmony “finds” within a month of my leaving, and has since married the poor woman. I really struggled with whether or not to tell her about the past 30 years of *my* life with him, and the many indiscretions I’d had to get my mind around and attempt to forgive. Then, I realized–she is an adult. She must make her own choices and live with the consequences. I don’t owe her, or anyone else, the warning I wasn’t given.
It’s hard, though. Southern women are trained from childhood to be wives and Mothers. Or at least in my experience. Despite having graduated from college, I still felt unprepared to face life alone. Simple things, like picking up a large item from a big box store, become ordeals–women don’t usually have trucks! I’m learning new thought processes, though, and RELISHING the fact I can go to bed at night and feel safe and secure.
Thank you so much for being brave enough to publicly bring out the wrongs done to you. I cannot imagine the courage that must have taken; and I cannot imagine the good it will do other women who feel stuck in that horrible situation.
Blessings to you…and prayers for you,
Bethany
Bethany,
Tears formed in my eyes as I read your story…so very similar to mine. Thank you for sharing it with me. I understand perfectly the dilemma of no truck, heavy items…being unprepared for the small things. I was ready to be done with the nightmare, but still afraid of the future. Difficult to convey that feeling to anyone who has never experienced it. But we’re getting on with life, right?! I love my peaceful nights without arguments, love beinf free of women calling me! You too? We have to re-think our futures when life cheats us, and I believe you have an amazing life in front of you!
When I began writing and sharing my story with others, I began to hope it would help others…thank you for sharing my sentiment.
Blessings to you as well. I appreciate your prayers,
Danita
Hi! I stumbled upon your blog when I should’ve been working and I have to give you a big thumbs up! My dad cheated on my mom. They had been married for 20 yerars when they got a divorce. It took me a long time before I fully accepted my stepmom and “new” brother. My dad got her pregnant and ultimately left my family. I am the oldest of four and just recently had a baby. I’m single and alone never ever thought i would have to be a mom without a partner. I hope to read some more of what you have! I will be sending my mom over to read your blog! Good Luck with with the book!
much love,
Margaret
Margaret,
I’m so sorry you experienced the life of a child with an adulterous parent…from my own children’s pain, I know what you’re going through or went through.
Thank you for your encouraging words and for sharing my blog with your mom. I hope she’s doing well.
Margaret, I want to applaud you for raising your child. Never give up on yourself, not as a woman or a mom. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help in raising your baby. My nephew was raised by a single mom…the family made certain he knew how much he was loved…none of us gave up…and he is now a very successful, college educated, 28 year old man with a beautiful family. And his mom, who first dropped out of highschool, eventually received her highschool diploma and earned her real estate license. She has been a successful real estate agent for around 15 years now. I give you those expamples to let you know you too can still accomplish whatever it was you used to dream of doing…don’t give up your dream!
Again, thanks for your encouragement of my book.
Sending love back to you,
Danita
I sincerely hope you take the time to read this comment as I’m not sure how to contact you and the comments on your post on Eve Carson have gotten to an amount that I wouldn’t even expect you to read all of them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Eve_Carson#Lovette_trial.2C_verdict_and_sentencing
The problem with your argument is that Eve Carson’s killers are spending life in prison for their actions. Including one who was a minor (17) at the time of trial. I believe the sentences were justified. People who kill for petty reasons should be punished.
But George Zimmerman has not been tried. And evidence shows that Martin was unarmed when he was shot. If a police officer were in the same position, he would be in serious trouble for shooting an unarmed person (though evidence shows that when that person is a minority, they’re never seriously reprimanded.) I’d like you to rethink your post as it doesn’t accurately reflect why people are angry. Yes, it is a race issue because this boy has died and his killer is still free. He is still able to kill again. That’s frightening to me. Is it not to you?
You ma’am are amazing! Thank you so much for your writing about Eve.
Thank you again, you have all my respect!
-C
Chelsea,
Thank you, I sincerely appreciate your comment.
Regards,
Danita
I am a recovered sex addict, sober for about 4 years now. I regularly cheated on my wife and acted out with other women, wives and such for a number of years. I confronted my wife and told her everything along with my sponsor and counselor. After some time, we reconciled. While her pain still surfaces occasionally, we have become closer through our renewed relationship and faith-lives. While it IS possible to reconcile, I appreciate your site for giving strength to women and men who may have also had their vows broken by people like me….and it didn’t turn out so well. I will pray for you and your family (if that’s ok). I hope that you don’t take judgement on my actions of the past. ALL of us fall short, and the people we really should worry about are those that refuse to take any accountability for it.
Daniel,
Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t pass judgement on you, you’re seeking help, came clean with your wife and it seems have a faith based life. I absolutely support your efforts to keep your family together. I stayed with my husband for almost 24 years…always praying. But he refused to be accountable…
It is absolutely ok for you to pray for my family.
Congratualtions on your recovery.
Danita
This may be a part for the difference in the reaction. They went after the killers and convicted them. Had Zimmerman been jailed or charged, the outcry may not have happened. “Dec. 20, 2011
A second North Carolina man will spend the rest of his life in prison for the murder of University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill student body president Eve Carson. Laurence Lovette was found guilty today of first-degree murder, first-degree kidnapping and robbery in the case.” I do agree with you that murders are handled differently by the media. Only a very few get coverage. Each murder is a tragedy. Each family suffers. But not every victim gets their time in public mourning. I speak from experience, unfortunately.
I was absolutely speechless when I read your post. The words you posted are exactly what I have been wanting to say since this started. There is OBVIOUSLY more to the story that the media is not relaying (for obvious reasons) as to why George Zimmerman has not been arrested. Also, I do not believe he had ANY intentions whatsoever of killing Trayvon. There is obviously evidence that we (the public) have not been made aware of that leads the police to solely believe it was self defense. I am a 911 dispatcher for a police department and a fiance of an officer. While that may make me biased, I truly am saddened that a child was killed. I don’t believe he was “slaughtered” or any intentional form of being murdered. It is an unfortunate event and I would like to make my mind up in due time, when everything has surfaced (should that happen). Until then, I would like to keep my faith in the law enforcement agency that is handling this case and any internal investigations that it leads to.
i really enjoy this blog. thanks so much. very nice stuff. esp like the letter to your 16 year old self. i am going to do that as well. ❤ trash
Thank you Trish,
I really appreciate your feedback!
Take care,
Danita
I too was married to a whoremonger. In fact, he was married when I started dating him. That should have been my first clue. But I saw for myself how horribly she treated him, and thought things would be different with me.
I worshiped the ground he walked on and waited on him hand and foot (my choice, he never asked me to). For the first time in many years, I completely trusted someone. Everyone, including me, thought we had the perfect relationship. We rarely fought. With the exception of work, we did everything together. We shared the same hobbies, and pursued them together. Neither of us went out with friends, unless it was together. We were soul mates.
Seven and a half years after we got married, I found jewelry on his nightstand. He tried to deny it, and said his daughter or one of her friends must have left it there. Of course I didn’t believe that for a second. I begged and pleaded with him for two hours to tell me who it was. He finally gave me a name. I knew he was lying, and had a pretty good idea who it really was (a mutual friend of ours). I didn’t get mad, I didn’t yell. I forgave him and did everything in my power to try to forget about it. I didn’t bring it up, and worked even harder at being the perfect wife.
Fast forward about three months. We had just gotten back from vacation, when he told me he wasn’t in love with me and wanted a divorce. He said he’d felt that way for the last year, but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. I cried and begged him to reconsider. A month later he filed for divorce. I stayed at the house with him for three months after he told me he wanted a divorce, and we lived pretty much as a normal married couple, still sleeping in the same bed, holding each other every night, still being intimate. We talked even more than we did before. I kept telling myself he wanted the divorce because even though I forgave him for cheating, he couldn’t forgive himself.
When I finally moved out, it was less than a week before the woman I suspected it really was, was spending the night. We still remained friends, and remained intimate for the next six months (until I met the man I now live with), even after the divorce was final. I joined a few dating sites, and would actually share the profiles of the men I was considering going out with, with him, looking for his approval. He didn’t approve of most of them. When I finally told him I wouldn’t sleep with him anymore, he actually got mad and asked if I replaced him that quickly (he had been on vacation for a week and I met my boyfriend while he was gone). Mind you, the whore was spending the night less than a week after I moved out, and he had the never to ask if I had replaced him that quickly… LOL!
Fast forward two years. I work with the sister of the woman he claimed he cheated with. A few months ago, I finally got up the nerve to say something to her, since I knew her and her sister were very close and I figured she would have told her if it had actually happened. I told her I had a question I had to ask her, and before I even asked it, she said “your husband lied to you”. Turns out he told the woman that he told me it was her. She told her sister. A few days later we were talking about it, and she told me that her sister told her that the time I knew about wasn’t the first time he cheated. I guess he had bragged about his conquests to her. That or he tried to get her to sleep with him too. I still haven’t told him that I know the truth.
I finally knew the truth. At first, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer wanted him back. Or at least I managed to convince myself of that for a few months.
Even though I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, I still find myself missing him almost every day. I still find myself wanting to share the smallest things with him. I know I should totally cut him out of my life, because even as just friends, it’s not a healthy relationship. I just can’t seem to do it, because we were best friends even before we started dating, and I don’t want to lose my “best friend”. My life feels empty if he’s not at least a small part of it.
So, it’s been a little over two years since the divorce was final… when does it start getting easier?
Dear LW,
My heart hurts for you. It seems unfair to love someone who is incapable of returning the love. I don’t know when your pain will finally go away or when it will feel easier. We all process our grief in our own ways.
But here’s what I want you to do:
1. Stop calling your ex your best friend. A best friend would have never hurt you the way he has done. A best friend has your back, and he wouldn’t stab a knife in it. A best friend is honest with you.
2. Your ex hasn’t earned the right to voice his opinion on who you should date. Ask yourself if you would even want to date a man your cheating ex would approve. He isn’t going to give a Thumbs Up to anyone he perceives as a good man.
3. Know that your ex is probably incapable of loving anyone but himself. His anger over your new relationship is a controling, manipulative response. At first it may have flattered you, but please realize, that attitude doesn’t indicate love. You deserve someone who loves you.
4. If the new guy is a good one, focus on your relationship with him. When your mind wanders to the ex, capture your thoughts and put them in the freezer, don’t give that lying cheater an ounce of your thought life…because it will zap your energy and rob you of happines with your new love.
People who are chronic cheaters love the chase. They love the adrenaline rush of their secret life. They don’t change without intervention of some kind. So if the ex hasn’t sought help, and lots of it, he has no place in your life. Not even a phone call. Don’t give him so much as a shoestring of your life, otherwise he’ll keep you emotionally tethered to him and you’ll miss something beautiful.
I do understand where you are though. It’s hard to breakaway completely, but when you do you’ll ask yourself, “What took me so long?”
Take care of yourself, please check in with me whenever you feel the need to ‘talk’.
D
Does it count if I was married to a Whore? I know that sounds harsh, but I think I can count at least three men my wife slept with during our five month marraige.
Absolutely! I’m sorry for the trouble you experienced in your marriage. By the way, it sounds harsh because it is…it describes a harsh person…and it’s a harsh life when one lives with an adulterer. Thankfully, it sounds like you’re no longer living in the mess. Take care of yourself.
Regards,
Danita
Hi Danita,
Thank you for stopping by on QWB. I am not a whoremongerswife, I’m married to a wonderful man (my second husband, the first was a whoremonger), my heart goes out to anyone who has had that experience. Thank you for your candor and your sharing your story. In our society it is much needed to confront abhorrent. destructive behavior and call it what it is…marriage has become a joke, its sad.
God Bless you and your efforts!
TPC